12 days until my appointment with a doctor who specializes in melanoma and my fight actually begins.
I’ve pretty much felt normal since the diagnosis. Some days better, some days worse. Don’t want to rush the passage of time because it’s moving too quickly anyway. However, I also want to know. What’s the treatment plan? What are my options? What tests am I looking at? Is the pain I’m feeling me sleeping a little weird to protect my left side or is it the invisible part of my cancer?
Today was one of those odd days. Felt fine, but my brain was more vertical than my body. It just wanted to curl up and sleep. If anything, I’ve noticed I’ve been craving more of that, even after a pretty good night. The dogs got to enjoy their normal run at the farm, a large open space in the middle of the island. We missed our “pack” – large English Sheep dog / Poodle, fluffy white American Eskimo, fuzzy Lab, two Corgis, and sleek gray Doodle plus the humans that go along with them. It was a little stormy and my two (Standard Poodle and Peakaness / Poodle) needed defusing. Met other dogs and humans, but it wasn’t the same.
I remain calm about this. Really calm, which is surprising, given how emotional I can get. Some I have told have been a done the freaking out for me. Others have taken the news in stride. I’m probably going to remain steady until the day comes when I feel like crap because of the meds or I cannot throw ball in the yard for my two because my left arm is on a medical restriction. Worse will be when driving is off-limits for whatever reason for however long that may be.
Can’t really explain why I’m so steady, other than I’ve been through this before. Round 1 didn’t really happen because they were free floating cells caught on a pathology report. 2 was a mixed bag where I ended up okay, but only after a double allergic reaction. 3 went so well that the doctors couldn’t find the place where they removed the skin cancer from the top of my head, even when they had a picture that showed the spot in relation to my ear and the back of my head.
Maybe it’s because I know this is something I can’t control. I’m either going to survive or I’m not. Pretty black and white. Of course, I’m going to fight like hell for the most positive outcome. This is not like my books or programming, where my subtle, and multi-level, input dictates the outcome. The angst in those situations happens because I know there may be something I can do different. This one, other people are the experts and I have to trust their knowledge and experience. Yes, I know I’ve said to take expert advice with a grain of salt, but this is different. There can’t be any contradictions without consequences. Also, someone told me their friend flew out from New York to Seattle to get treated at the place I’m going. That says a lot!