I started this post back on November 12th after calling 9-1-1 for someone a few days before. I lasted edited it on December 27th and thought with a few changes I’d have it ready to go. Well, it’s now January 17th and life has become even more interesting. In that timespan, I split from a friend, a relative died, and I found out that I’m facing Round 4 in my battle with the big C. The melanonia that was in my arm in 2016 has come back and is now the source of three lumps on my left side.
Combine this with the normal depression that goes along with the end of the year, and I have been a mess for a while now. I project confidence because that’s what I do. To be honest though, there have been plenty of tears shed on the inside, even as my radiant armor protected me on the out.
My writing is suffering, I’m suffering. Wouldn’t exactly call myself the wishy washy cornball writer that I swore I never would be ever again, but I’ve teetered on that edge a few times lately. It doesn’t help that my next birthday is one of those big O ones that mark a significant passage of time. Or that I feel like I’m standing in the batter’s box of life with 99-MPH curve balls being thrown at my head.
Thoughts on Death
Death is the finite end of life. What happens after it no one truly knows. Yes, there are beliefs, stories, traditions, and other things out there that offer up possibilities. I’m not here to debate any of them, but speak of the moment death rears its ugly head. Maybe in conversation, an almost actuality, or the actuality either in the loss of a person or a friendship. What happens then? Things become real serious and focused for one. Second, priorities shift and fast. Emotions ebb and flow. Some energize, others bring up unwanted memories, painful words, and other harmful sensations.
I’m not planning on dying anytime soon. However, I know that Round 4 posies some challenges. I find out what those are on the 31st when I meet with an oncologist who specializes in melanoma for the first time. If we go the drug route, I’m looking at having serious issues with my over sensitive body as these will be the strongest drugs I’ve ever put in it. Surgery isn’t much better since I’m dealing with three seperate spots that I know about, so my dominate arm is going to be out of commision for awhile.
What’s going on with my writing?
I’m stuck in the middle of editing two projects. Being doing a lot of computer work too, so my writing has taken a back seat. I haven’t really written a new word until now as I shape this blog post. Some days I feel like I’m going around in circles and others making leaps of progress. This stagnation has blown my publishing plans for this year to hell.
My confidence in my writing isn’t all that great at the moment for a two reasons. First, I’ve read a lot of books lately. That experience has given me great insight into other people’s writing styles while focusing several harsh spotlights on the perceived weaknesses of my own writing. Second, my writing couldn’t save the friendship. Instead of relishing the positives I tried to point out, the person kept hitting back with the negatives that they saw. Their choice, I know, but it created a few questions, and a lot of doubt, in my head.
I read somewhere that every creative needs a manifesto that states who they are and what they plan on doing, so their audience has a general sense of them. For now, I’ve listed every planned and published in the Stars of Heros series on its page. That way I have a goal and readers have a way of holding me accountable by asking about any of them. Other than the planned release of Alabaster and Hope Amongst Ashes, I’m not sure when, or in what order, any of the rest will see daylight. The debate of going chronological from my starting point or skipping ahead to bridge the gap between the two centuries has been going on for years. As of now, I’m leaning toward a skip because of the existing material that I have. My only concern is that it might spoil things for the previous books.
Learning the business behind the creative process
I signed up for an online class back in December, my first paid one actually. Viewed two of the videos and definitely need to get back to it. In 77 lessons, Hollens Creator Academy covers everything from Reverse Engineering Your Dream to Monetizing The Essentials. I’m impressed with Peter’s laid back, but practical approach to teaching. He is an entrepreneur, educator, pop singer and producer best known for his work as an acapella cover artist. And I’ve listened to some of those too. His mash up of Disney tunes is simply mind blowing.
And his cover of Hallelujah featuring Jackie Evancho isn’t bad either…
So what’s next?
That all depends what happens on the 31st. Before and after that, I will continue to put one foot in front another down the path that life leads me. Writing is, and always will be, a part of me. The stories are there, I just need to relax and let them flow. I might even blog about my experiences during Round 4. Until then, please consider reading about another quest to beat cancer by the wife of a fellow indie author.