In my attempt to find new sources of income, I signed up for two jobs that didn’t work out. The first was rating ads. I don’t know what I was thinking with that one. I have an ad blocker installed on my browser because I find ads annoying and intrusive. I know people have to make money, but if I want to learn about something, I’ll research the heck out of them either in person or on Google and then go from there. I don’t need some flashy piece of content influencing my decisions.

The second one I’m not too happy with leaving. My thoroughness and need to get things just right was slowing me down to the point that the hours I was spending didn’t equate to the money I was making. There was possibility that if I had grown a little more with the company, I would have reached a tipping point where things could have worked out. Thing is, I can’t live on possibilities, I have to live on actualities.

It was a social media writing job and, other than money to hours thing, I absolutely loved it. It was my ideal job of learning lots and being creative while producing something people could use. In fact, it was one client’s focus on mindfulness that got me thinking about a lot of things. Mainly, how to be thoughtful and caring, yet not letting every emotion I feel control my reactions and thoughts, or build up inside of me until I explode. I still have a lot to learn about the philosophy and techniques. For now, I’m using it to pair my logic with my emotions, so instead of going “Ack!” then what if myself to death for having that reaction, I’m going “I’m having this emotion. Why? And how far do I need to take it?”

It really helped with resigning from the two jobs. Yesterday as I made the decision to quit, I started down my normal path of condemning myself for failing and not meeting the expectations I had for the jobs and the standards the companies had for me. I stopped, backed up, and reasoned with myself as to why I had made the decision, and felt better about it. I didn’t justify the action, I reasoned with the emotion. Mindfulness, from what I understand, isn’t about making excuses or suppressing one’s feelings, it’s about being deliberate in one thoughts, actions, and emotions.

Am I going to be able to be mindful in all situations? Probably not. There are going to be times I’m going to explode and can’t help it. But, if I can be aware of most emotions and temper them with logic, I’ll definitely do much better with every aspect of my life. Maybe it’ll allow me to let my intense side out a little more often and not be so scared of it. I don’t know exactly how it’s going to affect me. It’s going to be an interesting journey as I learn more about it, that’s for sure.

So yes, while I regret resigning from that one job, I’m grateful for the experience teaching me a lesson I needed to learn.